dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
