Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
