I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
