I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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