Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
