that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Is Oprah even human
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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