just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
