Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
wanna go halves on a baby?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
