walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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