Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
me + whiskey = a bad person