Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
