every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
