I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
