I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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