I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
