i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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