I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
