I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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