Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
