my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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