oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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