So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
