Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
