I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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