My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
