i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
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At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
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You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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