What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
