im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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