Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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