so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
