i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
