Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
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My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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