I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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