He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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