Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
