I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
MIDGETS
????
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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