Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
