as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
