I checked into jail on foursquare
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
