Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
