He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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