I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
