In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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