I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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