Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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