apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
