thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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