i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
