Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
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Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
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You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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