i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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