So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.