It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Send us your Text From Last Night!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."