My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
