This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!