You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
