i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.