he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
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It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
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woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
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A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it